You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

We all have fears in life, and as an aging male, mine is being treated like a child. I’m not talking about when a spouse feels it necessary to critique your decisions or impede your quest for a life-defining experience. You know, the proverbial “you’ll shoot your eye out” in the Christmas Story. That’s a whole different issue that I will address in a future post. No, I’m talking about what happens when you experience that medical event that raises concerns about your ongoing independence and mortality.

I have a close friend who recently had one of those medical events. In efforts to support and encourage his return to “normalcy”, I am shocked by what appears are actions by his younger siblings to make decisions on his behalf. “My brothers want me to transition into an assisted care facility, but I don’t want to live that way.” “My brothers didn’t pay my offsite storage rental fee, and my belongings are going to auction.” “My lease for my apartment has not been renewed.” As my friend recounts these events, my temperature rises as I exclaim, what right do they have not to consult you on these decisions?!

I will be the first to admit that I do not have all the context around these issues and decisions. Nevertheless, I have noticed on numerous occasions how we as a culture treat our elders, including parents, in the later stages of their lives. As I see it, actions extend well beyond simple concern and take on a condescending, paternalistic, infantilizing tone, and quality. Do we not understand how these behaviors erode an elder person’s personal agency and happiness? It’s like throwing gasoline on a fire which will quickly burn out to death.

I pray to God that I am spared from those things that can subsume my independence. However, even when my ambulatory and mental faculties are challenged, I trust that those who care and love me will never feel it necessary to behave as my guardians. Respect me and consult with me and hold your tongue if I take a course that doesn’t conform to your wishes, no matter how well intentioned they may be. I have the right and need to live and die on my own terms. Our culture needs a major reset.