The Spark

I have spent years searching for life’s spark. This search has typically traveled through various interests ranging from fly fishing, motorcycles, biking, and guitar. I’m sure I’m missing other pursuits. Maybe my mind has entered self-preservation mode to protect against devolving into further self-criticism and contempt.

Why is it that I abandon these pursuits? Is it because my growth trajectory lags that of others, unable to feed an ego with insatiable hunger? Maybe it’s because of lack of self-belief, a reminder that I’m not worthy and I possibly look like a fool to others. I get angry with myself, and happiness and content constantly evade me. The result is another evening fixated on YouTube watching what others accomplish, self-medicating with another glass of wine.

Being honest with yourself is never easy and I’m in desperate need for tough love. After watching a YouTube video by Andy Frisella, I came to the realization that my problem has nothing to do with lack of competencies. The problem is simply a matter of absence of mental toughness. I have been too willing to abandon pursuits out of fear of failure and judgement. I didn’t have the strengths to double-down when I encountered the proverbial wall. I was unwilling to stand alone in the wilderness with mud on my face, not caring what others thought or said. I was a man without conviction and strength. Maybe this is what fuels my self-doubt and feelings of being an imposter?

After years of spineless wandering, I was struck by a realization. Instead of searching for that spark of a new pursuit, I needed to focus on what was the foundational problem, which is mental toughness. Not only did I need to develop mental toughness, I needed to get my body into optimum shape. Strong mind and strong body results in a powerful foundation to take on whatever pursuit or pursuits I select for the future. Taking on a new pursuit – whether it be vocational or avocational – built on a strong foundation ensures that my journey will not waver, and I will not be impeded by voices outside and inside. 75 days of optimum focus on discipline is a small price to pay for a lifetime adventure. As Frisella warns, don’t listen to that “bitch voice” that wants to talk you out of your quest. Recognize when that voice surfaces and be a savage when you talk back to it. I’m ready for the challenge. The stakes are high.