Rules of the Game

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I don’t expect anyone to feel bad for us older guys. The cards have always been stacked in our favor, right? Education, careers, access to power and prestige; the world is our oyster. The proverbial hunter-gatherer, seeking new conquests, gearing up for battles and to the victor goes the spoils. Newsflash, someone has changed the rules of the game and we’ve just been informed that our value has been significantly diminished. Our team option is not being exercised; we are free to test the market. WTF!

Escalating suicide rates among older men should not surprise an objective observer? Older men are losing their jobs in droves, mostly from the ranks of white collar, middle management. As technology transforms our economy, the old ways of doing business and their related skillsets are becoming irrelevant or outsourced to some far corner of the world. In its replace are technologies and skills that are ubiquitous among the young and mostly foreign to those with grey hair. In a post-menopausal stage and an empty nest, women explore new life options including education, careers and new interests. For some, that even includes new partners. Out with the old, in with the new. In the meantime, many men wander aimlessly, unable to adjust to this new world and find their place in it.

Was our gender advantage what it was made out to be? Let’s see, lower life expectancy and heart disease. Oh, and don’t share your feelings, were suppose to be strong, stoic and internalize how we feel emotionally. How about the constant stress of having your family’s financial wellbeing squarely resting on your shoulders, and your shoulders alone? By the way, Dad has already thought about what careers you should pursue and where you need to go to college. Who am I to argue? He’s the patriarch; I don’t want to disappoint him. Now you look back with regret over opportunities lost. Now you want to “blowup” your life, live small, pursue new interests, reinvent yourself. The only problem is that your wife is not onboard and you’re beginning to understand why the divorce rate among baby boomers is skyrocketing.

These are troubled waters my friends, or are they? Sure shit happens, change is inevitable and nothing is guaranteed. However, the forces that have shaken our world are the same forces that are opening new doors. The gatekeepers have been neutered and our avenues for self-expression and growth are expanding exponentially. As Gail Sheehy states in her book Understanding Men’s Passages, when a tree loses a limb from a violent storm, new growth quickly sprouts. We men may have lost a few limbs, but we are not dead. It is up to us to lift up our heads and go forth with vigor, fire, piss and vinegar; ready to take on the world (thank you James Hatfield from Metallica). Stop apologizing for how you feel and what you’re thinking about doing. And for the woman in your life, well, she’ll just have to adjust, just like you. After all, as Sheehy argues, men don’t understand women, but at least they know it. Women don’t understand men, but they don’t know it.