Belonging

I am a member of a group of like-minded men who connect virtually every week to discuss various issues relating to physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual health. During our Monday morning meeting, we discussed belonging and rejection. It amazes me how distant memories of rejection and insult can remain so vivid in an older man’s heart and mind. It was obvious that I was not the only guy walking through this emotional minefield during our discussion.

Sophomore year in high school attending a tryout for the men’s basketball team. No, I never played in an organized basketball game and the stakes were not in my favor. This was Indiana after all, and we all know what basketball means in the Hoosier state. The coach passes the ball to the starting forward who is facing me in a one-on-one drill. The coach remarks to my challenger, “if you can’t score here then you have problems.” Those comments still dig deep in my psyche.

I’m walking into the junior high locker room to tryout for the football team. Now, I’m fast and I had dreams of being that speedy wideout or defensive back. As I approached the coach, he hands me my equipment including shoulder pads. I had no idea how to put the equipment on. As the locker room empties, I stand at my locket contemplating the embarrassment of not knowing the intricacies of the equipment. I put on my street clothes and quietly left the locker room in shame and embarrassment.

The purpose for recounting these stories is not to elicit sympathy. I was embarrassed and sympathy only elevates the feelings of not being worthy, not belonging to the tribe of warrior boys. No, the purpose is to point out the possible impacts of one’s actions on others. In our discussion this morning I referenced the inevitable hierarchy in groups and the importance of leaders to set the right culture, a culture that welcomes outsiders and commits itself to elevating all. The importance of listening before you talk and having empathy for all is fundamental to building great teams, high-performing organizations, and healthy societies.

As we continue to witness horrific events of school shootings and rampant societal violence against the so-called weaker members of our communities, my heart bleeds for the lonely who strike out in awful ways. What they do is evil but what got them to that point is the root of our problems. As you go about your daily rituals, be mindful of the impact your words and actions can have on others. All need to feel listened to, accepted, and welcomed. It’s what defines us as humans.