Fear

The rush of ideas, new side-hustles, ways to redirect and reinvent the long career of an aging man. These are consequences of spending too much time on YouTube, impressed by the success of so-called creatives as their subscriber numbers climb, leading lives of travel and adventure. What do they have that I don’t? Whatever the skills, I can easily learn them. Look at my wall with all those degrees. Time to jump on board.

So much money and time have been committed to learn new skills to achieve visions of independence, freedom, and creative pursuits. In all cases these efforts have ended in dead ends and postings on eBay to minimize financial loss. Does my age present an impenetrable barrier to competency in the new, digital world? It must be because my spouse does not embrace my desires, or maybe its because I haven’t found a mentor? There must be a reason beyond the world simply conspiring against me.

I’ve always been a man that follows the well-worn path. Get the degrees, buckle down in a job, be the poster child of stability and growth, hang the accolades on the wall, daydream of when your ship will come in. In looking back, I realize that I have led a safe life. Don’t get too close to the edge. Be more concerned with how others see you than how you see yourself in the mirror every morning as you prep for another day of mediocrity. In hindsight, I have lived a life of fear. Fear of rejection, failure, or being embarrassed, it does not matter. In the end, it’s just plain fear.

When will the time come when I stare fear in the face? When will I breakout of this well-worn rut, risking the chance of failure yet embracing the possibility of success? What holds me back? It certainly cannot be greater than the regret of not giving life my best effort. This is the conundrum that confront older men of my ilk. We need to get better at flying the middle finger at all the haters and doubters, including that guy looking back at me in the mirror.