Bane Of My Existence

S. A. Gibbs
Jun 7, 2017
2 min read

Complexity may be the provocateur of my ongoing existential questions. How much of life’s complexity is the consequence of things external to me, or the byproduct of my individual actions? I’ve been accused, tried and found guilty. So much of what troubles me is self-inflicted. This doesn’t negate the fact that life inherently deals blows that are frequently beyond my control, it does. Nevertheless, past decisions in the areas of money, career and lifestyle are the seeds of my now, mature troubles. Expectations, obligations and the exploding to-do lists are the culmination of my past decisions, and at times it feels like they are crushing me. These past decisions and related consequences can fuel anger and self-hatred. It’s hard to drive with purpose when your eyes are fixated on the rearview mirror of past mistakes and transgressions.

Based on my observation of others, I don’t think I’m alone with these feelings. Are we all having these same internal conversations? I believe that many of us need to begin the process of unwinding our lives. We need to remove the weights on our shoulders that have rendered us a merely beasts of burden so that our continued journey can be more fleet of foot. Sure, unwinding past decisions is never easy, especially when you are confronted by the expectations and opinions of others, including yourself. To combat, at times you need to adopt an attitude of ambivalence and deep reflection. As Pogo once said, “I have met the enemy and it is us.”

Courage is fundamental to a life well lived. When we lose our courage, we lose our personal agency. We become powerless as we drift haphazardly through our life. Without courage, we ultimately evolve into angry, frustrated, anxious, unhappy and even hateful people. These are the attributes of a life not worth living. So, let’s become the chefs of our own lives, and make sure that the meal we concoct is worth eating. For those who want to judge, critique or condemn, you can go fuck yourself. I am the bane of my existence, and that has to change.