A Friend

I always thought that when I moved on to my second phase of adulthood I would have greater flexibility in changing directions. After all, once the kids flew the nest, what’s to hold me back? Unfortunately, the walls that define my life are as immovable as ever. Why is that? Yes, I am resource constrained, a consequence of bad decisions over the past twenty years. Nevertheless, I’m not destitute and have the education and experience that offer a strong foundation for continued revenue generation. I also have my health and a commitment to some fashion that protects me from being categorized as an old and tired man, at least among the more open-minded. So, why do I feel I’m not in control of my life?

What are the choices that I feel are being taken away from me? For one, I would like to downsize my house. Yes, if I were single I would live in a “tiny house”. Given that I am married and my wife does not share in my affinity for these little abodes, it would not be fair to force this want. Nevertheless, a small home of say not more than 1,200 square feet and virtually no yard would serve me just fine. The problem is my wife doesn’t embrace the downsize strategy and continues to warehouse a sundry of things, most reminders of a life long past. Impasse number one.

If I am prohibited from downsizing, why not embark on a yearlong process of decluttering, throwing out things no longer needed, freshening up the home with some sweat equity, and reducing expectations and demanding traditions associated with such events as the holidays? That seems reasonable, doesn’t it? Well, the domestic headwinds are extreme here as well, so the desired feng shui of the home gives way to the anxiety and the down right disgust I feel when I am home. Impasse number two.

Don’t leave yet, there is an impasses number three. I’m finding it damn difficult to change our living routines. The rut is deep and we can’t seem to get out of it. For example, I can’t stand much of what is on television yet the television is always on in my house. Hell, the television is on when I come home to a vacant house. Are you kidding me?! How much of reality TV can one be expected to endure in one’s life? If there was a definition of Hell on earth, for me it would be ongoing forced exposure to Mario Lopez and the unrelenting talking heads on the morning and evening “news” shows. Yes, I’ve finally carved out a small slice of space in my house to escape and play guitar, but this frequently results in my being accused of antisocial behavior.

I desperately need to change jobs, maybe even careers. Given that I have been in the same job for thirty-two years clearly proves that I’m not footloose and fancy free as it comes to my reliability as a provider. But I need a change and this change seems impossible to achieve given the frictions outlined above, not to mention that relocation to another place may be necessary. If you think the above issues are challenging, try talking about moving to another part of the country. That decision forces all the previously defined impasses, which makes this decision on par with solving the Israeli and Palestinian conflict. Where’s Henry Kissinger when you need him. Impasse number four.

Am I the only one who has these problems? Have I outsourced my decisions to my wife, or at least given her veto authority? It’s easy to understand why divorce rates are skyrocketing among couples from the baby boomer era. Maybe it’s my fault, a consequence of ineffective communication? If a consensus cannot be reached between us, maybe I need to force the issues and just make unilateral decisions. If she wants to come along, that’s great. If not, maybe its best this decision is made now rather than feeding my growing anger? What has become increasingly obvious to me is the importance of having a significant other who is both your friend and your lover. Friends listen and care about each other’s feelings and dreams. Sacrifices are made and risks are taken because what matters most is the friendship, not all the tangible trappings of a relationship. When happiness is based on these tangible edifices and not the intangibles of relationships, the foundation of your happiness will ultimately show structural problems. A huge sinkhole in your life will surely emerge. Decisions have to be made and I mean now, not later. The new year of 2017 will certainly be eventful.

#happiness #change #friendship